Emotions

Some mornings I wake up and the world is a happy and marvelous place. 

Other mornings, the world is too wound up.  Anxious.  Unhappy.  Angry.

The last few weeks have been kind of amazing.  I've been focusing on allowing myself to feel my emotions - experiencing and embracing them instead of ignoring them and pushing them away. 

I'm recognizing that not all the emotions I'm experiencing are my own.  A lot of emotions I feel are coming from the people around me.  Somehow I'm picking up on their feelings and turning them into my own.

And it's such a relief to know that most of the negative things I feel aren't my own.

I'm learning to handle (and in some cases, avoid) those borrowed emotions.

Yay! :)

Looking Back and Moving Forward

Just read through my old posts - I used to be so full of hope.

There's an ugly voice in my head.  It's been my companion for a while now - I think it started speaking up when my mom got sick at the end of 2011.  I hate it.  It criticizes and scoffs at so much.  It tears me down.  It makes me listless and empty.  It is spiteful and mean, horrible and dark.

I'm going to kill it. 

Worst Christmas Ever

This is going to be my worst Christmas ever.

Last year was my best Christmas. Hands down. Even if I did get my heart broken by a silly boy. Want to know why? Because my mom - diagnosed with stage four lung cancer - lived. In fact, she got better. So much better that by the time it was mid-January, she didn’t even need to use supplemental oxygen anymore. It was a miracle.

In October 2011, my mom was diagnosed with the cancer. There were tumors everywhere. In her lungs. In her liver. In her bones. Even in her brain. The oncologist said she had less then six months to live.

I was devastated, to say the least.

Everyone told me (in private of course) that she wasn’t going to make it to Christmas last year. Doctors would pull me aside and warn me to be prepared. Not my dad. Or my brother.  Just me. 

It was pretty horrible.

And now, here I am.  A year later.

It’s Christmas Eve, fifteen minutes before midnight (okay, it was 15 minutes before midnight when I started writing this).  Before it’s officially Christmas.  And I’m sitting in front of my computer drinking wine. 

Why?

Because I know that things aren’t going well with my mom.  She just finished 4 brutal months of IV chemotherapy. Essentially injecting poison into herself in hopes that it’ll kill off the cancer before it kills her.  And according to the last body scan, she has 2 tumors in her lungs.

Compare that to Halloween, when the doctor said that all the nodules in her lungs were completely resolved. 

Completely resolved people!! 

That means there were no more tumors in her lungs. Nada. They were eradicated!!

I was so happy I cried the entire day.

But I guess good news doesn’t last long. End of November, during the second to last session of the treatment, I find out that there’s a new tumor on the upper right side of her lung.

Somehow, I clung onto hope. I was sure that the next appointment in December would be good news. Wait, no. I was absolutely positive that it would be spectacular news. 

I genuinely thought the doctor was going to make the diagnosis that my mom was officially in remission. 

Of course, that didn’t come to pass.

Not only that, but there’s a new “hot spot” in her lower left lung. The doctor tried to assure us that it wasn’t necessarily the cancer. It could be anything. We wouldn’t know until a few months down the line.  Only time would tell.

The doctor managed to convince my parents that things were okay. That the new chemotherapy treatment was going to manage everything. 

Too bad the “new” treatment my mom is on consists of the two drugs that have failed to keep her cancer at bay. 

And who is the doctor trying to kid? If someone has lung cancer, and there’s a “hot spot” in their lungs, chances are it’s the cancer coming back. Not to mention the fact that there’s already a new tumor on the right side of her lung.

There’s absolutely nothing I can do but paste a smile on my face and pretend that everything is okay. Pretend that SHE'S going to be okay. Pretend that soon the rounds of torturous chemotherapy will be a distant memory. Pretend that my world isn’t falling apart once more.

I honestly don’t know if my mom understands what’s going on. What the new tumors mean. But I’m not going to tell her. Not now. Not during the holidays when she is so happy.

I’m not going to ruin that for her or the rest of my family. It’s the least I can do. I didn't realize how difficult it was going to be, to attend all the family holiday dinners, look each cousin in the eye, and tell them that "Why yes, my mom is doing wonderful. Thank you so much for thinking of her and being my emotional support."

I'm trying so hard to look on the positive side. I've had an extra year with her. 365 extra days she wasn't supposed to have. But it's hard. Almost impossible.

Anyways.

Merry Christmas and a happy New Year, everyone. Be happy. Love your loved ones. Celebrate every day, because each day truly is a gift.

and maybe, if you have some time, send some happy thoughts my way.

Silly me

I decided this morning to slowly get back into writing because I miss it. I miss the creating. So I turned on my Ipad to get some writing done at the library when I was hit by a horrible realization: I have no app dedicated to creative writing.

No joke, I had a mini panic attack. Then I wasted over an hour looking at different writing apps for the Ipad, when really, I don't need one! Why should I waste my time and money on an app that will no doubt distract more than motivate me? Silly me.

So I'm back-ish. To tell you the truth, I really don't know what I'll be writing. I just know that I missed it, and I need to write even when I'm not really writing.

My thoughts are even more jumbled and disorganized than before, but that's what proofreading is for! :)


Edit: 10 hours later... I caved and bought an organizational app called "Chapters". so far I like it! ^_^

Hiatus

This decision has been a long time coming: I have embarked on a new career path. The next 6 months will determine whether or not I'm cut out for this field.

It involves lots of schooling, and essentially the melt-down of my brain. This leaves very little brain matter left over for writing... not that I was doing much of it to begin with.

I'm terrified, but insanely excited.

So wish me luck! I'm definitely going to need it.

About ME!

I've just updated the "about me" section. I always like reading those sections because there's so much more to a person than meets the eye.

I'm disappointingly normal, so it's short and sweet. Plus, I don't really know what else to write about. I'm posting exactly what I've written there into a blog post. Cut & paste is so handy!

Madelein Eirwen is a penname - it's not even similar to my real name. There are a few reasons why I picked this pseudonym:

1) The initials spell out "ME," which I thought was perfect... dorky? Why yes I am!

2) I like madeleines. They're delicious. And they're cute. But mostly they're delicious.

3) "Eirwen" means "snow white" - I'm pale and allergic to apples so some people make fun of me by calling me snow white. as in "haha, we're having delicious apples with chocolate fondue and you can't have any cuz you'll die if you eat apples"

4) I play around with songwriting. Keeping writing and music separate seemed like a good idea.

I am taping my mouth shut forever

I am completely mortified!

Just called my cousin on the phone fully expecting to get his voicemail because he's at work. I was going to leave a very simple message: How've you been doing? Thinking about flying out and visiting sometime, what's your schedule like?

Only problem was, he picked up. In typical Me fashion, I panicked and made an ass of myself by using short, confusing, incoherent sentences. I know he thinks he's related to a complete idiot now... and that there's some sort of catastrophe I'm trying to deal with.

And I'm pretty sure he thinks my parents are plotting to get rid of me in some evil way.

Oh I fail at speaking.

New Rule

No reading blogs, surfing the internet, checking AW's forum, and all similar procrastination techniques until after I've done some writing.

Can I make it through an entire week?

Heh. Just remembered: I haven't written yet today. Day 1, and I've already broken the rule. oops.

YA story hatching

Beautiful, huge, fluffy snowflakes were falling silently from the sky when I walked out the door this morning. The kid in me was full of wonder and excitement at the sight.

The adult in me cursed a boatload of inappropriateness - traffic was going to be a beach. <-- no, that's not a typo. :)

Started toying with a story idea with major YA tendencies. First person POV. High school setting. Love triangle. This'll be a no pressure, just-have-fun-and-write sort of deal (I refuse to stress. I refuse!). I've already scribbled a few pages of stuff down in my excitement.

Look at me, flexing my meager writing muscles! Garr!!

TweetTweet!

I keep vacillating between creating a Twitter account or just leaving it be. Due to the insane amount of caffeine I've just imbibed, I'm definitely leaning towards opening one. Should I? Should I not? Indecision, you plague me!

Who's on Twitter? Who's not? Why?



Edit: 10 hours later and I've finally decided to set one up. user name is AnvilsFalling. Be my friend!

goodreads.com

Happy Valentines Day to all you love birds out there!

In an effort to track the books that I've read (and to encourage myself to read at least 2 books a month), I've joined Goodreads. If you're on the site, be my friend! Updating my book shelf is such a great way to procrastinate! It also makes me realize how little I read. For shame!

On the writing front, I'm pushing myself to just do it. I officially have 3 paragraphs of my first draft down. Go me! :)

Blurp

Middle of the night and I've got a pounding headache. Falling asleep is not happening.

Time seems to move infinitely slow and lighting quick all at the same time. It's the middle of February already. How did that happen?

December comes to a close

Update time:

NaNoWriMo = catastrophic FAIL!

Bestest Christmas ever! = my (not so little) brother's high risk surgery went *spectacularly* well and he's well on the way to full recovery


I hope everyone has the happiest of new years!

NaNoWriMo

Just signed up for Nanowrimo! I actually haven't thought about it all week. Then an hour ago, I decided to just go for it. Maybe I'm out of my mind, but hey... nothing ventured nothing gained, right?

My profile page. Let's be writing buddies!!

1,667 words per day. Let's go crazy writers of the world!!

To Nano or Not?

I've been seriously toying with the idea of joining the masses in attempting NaNoWriMo this year. I'm being optimistic - it'll be a much needed distraction from all the stress going on in my life at the moment.

Elements at my disposal:
- a crazy need to write
- no plot
- a rebellious character who won't give up her wings
- a secret desire to sit in a coffee shop and poke madly at my keyboard
- time constraints
- an erratic attention span

Haha. Sounds like a stress-free way to spend my November. :) Good thing I've still got a week or so to decide.

Who's signed up and raring to get started with Nano?

October Blog Chain - Masquerade

This is the first time I've ever participated in Absolute Write's monthly blog chain, and I've got to say... everyone's posts so far have blown my mind.

Hosted by Auburn Assassin, the theme/topic for this month is: masquerade.

I tried. I tried really hard to write a story, but my character had other ideas. The first thing that popped into my head was a masquerade ball - she refused to follow directions and got lost.

So the only coherent stuff I have is a conversation with her. By the way, she doesn't have a name mainly because she hasn't liked anything I've come up with, and she refuses to give me suggestions. She's so picky. Anyways, here it is:

“Oh merciful heavens,” the girl rolled her eyes at me. “Are you still drawing a complete blank?” She huffed in annoyance and paced. The room was revealed with each step she took. Sparsely furnished, it didn’t take her too long to walk the length of it.

“Can’t you think of something? Anything at all? A plot shouldn’t be this hard to come up with.” Eyes hopeful, she pranced up to me and took both my hands in hers. “What about a huge monster for me to slay?”

I cocked my head to the side. That would be exciting.

“A quest to right a horrible wrong?”

I nodded. It’s a little vague, but it could work.

“Finding the love of my life?”

I smiled. I like romance.

“C’mon! I need something to do!” the girl reached behind her and scratched at one of her feathered wings. “I refuse to go to your silly masquerade ball. I don’t care if that’s the subject for your blog-roll thing. Plus, you don’t even know what the ball is for! I need a plot I can really shine in. I will not be written away in your state of being muse-lessness.”

Muse-lessness?

She narrowed her eyes at me. “Don’t mock me. It’s a word. I just made it up. Deal with it.”

I rolled my eyes. Someone’s cranky today.

“You bet I’m cranky.” She flexed her wings and gave a few experimental flaps. “Look at my poor wings! I’m losing muscle tone because you won’t let me do anything.” She glared at me. “You can’t keep me locked up in your head forever.”

I sighed. I know.

She smiled beatifically at me. “Give me a plot and I’ll make it sparkle. Who cares if it’s clichéd and all been done before. I certainly don’t. I mean sure, you’ll probably try to make me do something I don’t want to do. Like going to a dead-end masquerade ball.”

I frowned. That ball was going to be spectacular… until you decided you didn’t want to attend.

She waved her hand at my protest. “Whatever. What I’m trying to say is that I won’t let you make me do something I don’t want to do.”

I sighed again. You’re going to frustrate the hell out of me, aren’t you?

She grinned impishly. “Most definitely.”

I’m probably going to want to kill you off prematurely.

“But you can’t.”

I rolled my eyes. That’s what you think.

“C’mon,” she cajoled. “It’ll be difficult for both of us, but it’ll be worth it. You’re writing again. I’m getting pushier and more demanding. It’s a match made in heaven!

I hedged. I guess I could think about it.

She gave a hoot of joy. “Awesome! We’re going to have so much fun!”

Here's a list of everyone participating in the October Blog Chain. Definitely check them out... you won't regret it!:

Auburn Assassin and direct link to post
Hillary Jacques and direct link to post
Aimee Laine and direct link to post
Ralph Pines and direct link to post
Veinglory and direct link to post
Laffarsmith and direct link to post
PASeaholtz and direct link to post
Madelein.Eirwen <-- you are here
Amy Doodle
CScottMorris
Orion_mk3
Dolores Haze
Aheila
FreshHell
IrishAnnie
Lilain
Semmie
Bettedra

Write from the Beginning

As each day passes by, I'm filled with the urge to write. Write what? I have no clue. Write something - anything. At the same time, my mind remains blank. It's been years since I've written, so maybe it's Fear that's keeping me from putting pen to paper.

But then I realize: I am writing. *This* is writing. What I'm posting in this blog is considered writing. Maybe not the writing I'm used to, but it's a step.

"Great ability develops and reveals itself increasingly with every new assignment." - Baltasar Gracian

I'm not saying I have "great ability" when it comes to writing, but maybe I need to start from the very beginning. Baby steps. After not writing for so long, I need to warm up the writing part of me with little exercises. It seems silly, but I need to get used to the idea of writing. I'm writing every single day with freewrites and I'm posting on a fairly regular bases here - and these are both steps in the right direction.

I just need to be patient.

blank page before me

I'm itching to write. My mind is blank. Woe is me.

Goals for October

October is going to be a good month. Why? Because I demand it to be so! :) And because I'm going to make up a list of things to accomplish this month.

Goals for October (in no particular order):

1) volunteer for the community
2) attend an orchestral concert
3) make Halloween cards
4) mail out Halloween cards
5) keep up with my freewrites
6) go to gym at least twice a week
7) bake something
8) give a genuine smile to a stranger
9) go out on a date with myself
10) write people back immediately

Yup! Ten goals for the tenth month of the year. I'm clever like that. :)

Good News of September

I have rediscovered adding chocolate powder to my morning coffee. That hint of chocolate-y goodness brings a smile to my face whenever I take a sip. :)

For the past few days I've been thinking heavily about all the bad news I've heard this month. (It's quite strange: all the serious bad news occurred during this month). This morning, there was no usual ritual of trying to convince myself it's a good idea to get out of my warm bed. I woke up crying. I don't remember what I was dreaming about. Just the overwhelming emotion of sadness.

I went to look for my quote of the day, and this is the first thing that popped up:

"Drag your thoughts away from your troubles.. by the ears, by the heels, or any other way you can manage it." - Mark Twain

Tears of gratefulness actually started welling up in my eyes. It was exactly what I needed to hear. For whatever reason, an angel is looking out for me. So I'm going to focus on the good of this month. Because really, this month isn't all that bad. It just seems that way because I keep thinking of the negative.

Good news of September:

1) after long months of search and rejection, my friend found a job
2) another friend was able to vacation in London
3) my cousin is pregnant
4) got to see family from New Zealand - apparently it's been 30+ years since our family's seen them
5) my second cousin got married to his long-time girlfriend



In other news, I just joined a writing forum called Absolute Write. A little intimidated, but it looks like a fun place and the people seem really nice.