Wednesday, July 22, 2015

Looking Back and Moving Forward

Just read through my old posts - I used to be so full of hope.

There's an ugly voice in my head.  It's been my companion for a while now - I think it started speaking up when my mom got sick at the end of 2011.  I hate it.  It criticizes and scoffs at so much.  It tears me down.  It makes me listless and empty.  It is spiteful and mean, horrible and dark.

I'm going to kill it. 


  1. I know what you mean. Life is a journey.
    You ever take a road trip? Well, I haven't, LOL. But let's work with common sense for a minute: There's traffic, and the heat or cold, crazy drivers, maybe a tire deflates, you almost hit a bear, drive down steep declines, lose a window, get in arguments with passengers, etc. Life is like that--throws not so great things in your journey: It'll take people from you, it will place you in unhealthy and toxic environments, bring mean people into your life, place you in debt, shower you with sickness, etc.
    But what about those good times in your road trip? All those beautiful sights, amazing people, magical moments, laughing with those with you, trying delicious food, being out in beautiful Mother Earth? Same in life: You get to meet some pretty awesome people, hug those close to you, smile and walk and jump because you can, you get the chance to fight for and go after what you want.
    You ever heard the Dr. Seuss quote: "You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself in any direction you choose." No matter what happens, we can never let the negatives hold and keep us down.
    You know how easy it would be for me to be forever depressed? I've had a horrible condition since, gosh...elementary I believe. It has governed what I can and cannot do, how comfortable/uncomfortable I am in certain situations, the way I react. I've been so limited by my conditions. I've gone to specialists--top of the pyramid people--and they all said the same thing, that nothing can be done. Man, I cried and cried and wanted nothing to do with this world. But in my heart I always knew I would be ok. After much research, I found an alternate way to heal. The process is slow, and extremely expensive, but I'm seeing progress. Very small, but the hope it's given me is amazing. I've never shared this with anyone, but, if it wasn't for this healing method, I don't know if I would have wanted to keep going. Of course, life is still hard, but I can't focus on what I've got. My healing will take years, and meanwhile I've got to focus on other areas of my life that bring me joy.
    I guess this essay of a post is to say that sometimes you've got to take a step back, breathe life in, and look at what's ahead from a new perspective. Never forget to be grateful for what you do have, and never lose hope.

  2. Thank you for your amazing words. Your bravery, determination, and optimism are inspiring.
    This last week has been very rewarding - whenever that voice of negativity pops into my head, I very deliberately and very gently push it out of my way. There is so much I've been blessed with, and while consciously focusing on those positive things in my life is a challenge at times, it's working. :)