Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Good News of September

I have rediscovered adding chocolate powder to my morning coffee. That hint of chocolate-y goodness brings a smile to my face whenever I take a sip. :)

For the past few days I've been thinking heavily about all the bad news I've heard this month. (It's quite strange: all the serious bad news occurred during this month). This morning, there was no usual ritual of trying to convince myself it's a good idea to get out of my warm bed. I woke up crying. I don't remember what I was dreaming about. Just the overwhelming emotion of sadness.

I went to look for my quote of the day, and this is the first thing that popped up:

"Drag your thoughts away from your troubles.. by the ears, by the heels, or any other way you can manage it." - Mark Twain

Tears of gratefulness actually started welling up in my eyes. It was exactly what I needed to hear. For whatever reason, an angel is looking out for me. So I'm going to focus on the good of this month. Because really, this month isn't all that bad. It just seems that way because I keep thinking of the negative.

Good news of September:

1) after long months of search and rejection, my friend found a job
2) another friend was able to vacation in London
3) my cousin is pregnant
4) got to see family from New Zealand - apparently it's been 30+ years since our family's seen them
5) my second cousin got married to his long-time girlfriend

In other news, I just joined a writing forum called Absolute Write. A little intimidated, but it looks like a fun place and the people seem really nice.

Friday, September 24, 2010

Fighting Disenchantment

I've been sick the past two days. In an effort to not pass along the virus to unsuspecting people, I've been under a self-imposed house arrest. Today is the first day I'm back at work. And strange as it is to say, I am *psyched* to be back.

I don't hate my job, and I don't love it. It is what it is: a means to get my bills paid. I fully appreciate the fact that I have a job at all, but that doesn't make me love it.

Being stuck at home means being stuck in my head. My mind is like a blocked up drain. All my thoughts are backed up. All my emotions are just sitting and festering. I obsess over things I normally don't give a second thought to, and I drive myself slowly insane. So, this morning, I woke up excited to go to work.

And I realized something: it's been a while since I've woken up excited for anything. I used to get excited over the tiniest thing: getting coffee with a friend, reading a good book, playing music, watching a movie, writing, seeing my crush, etc. When did I lose my excitement for life? How did I became so disenchanted?

So I've decided to *not* be disenchanted. To try to regain the genuine enthusiasm I used to have for everything by listing 5 things I'm grateful for. I go through this in my head every day, but maybe seeing it down in black and white will make it more memorable.

I am grateful for...

1) having a job
2) the beautiful weather today
3) getting over my cold
4) my family (even though we can drive each other crazy)
5) the safety of all my loved ones

I'm curious... what are some things you're grateful for?

Tuesday, September 21, 2010


Winds of change indeed. Was that just yesterday?

Early this morning I accompanied my brother to a doctor's appointment. Needless to say the news was what I was expecting, but not what I was hoping for. High-risk surgery is never something to be thrilled about. I've been trying to distract myself all day with work.

"Worry does not empty tomorrow of sorrow - it empties today of strength." ~ Carrie ten Boom

Today is definitely more difficult to maintain a positive attitude.

Monday, September 20, 2010

Winds of change

It's a cloudy, blustery, windy day. And I love it. I sleep with my window open during the warm weather, and this morning I woke up to the most refreshing breezes.

On days like this, the impossible seem possible. It's very Mary Poppins-esque. The wind could blow anything and/or anyone into my life at any second. So it's without any surprise that my quote of the day is:

"Let him that would move the world first move himself." ~Socrates

Why wait on others to change? You have no control over them. You only have control over yourself. The best way for change to come about is to change yourself. It doesn't have to be drastic. It doesn't have to be noticeable to anyone but yourself. For me, I decided this morning to focus on the positive in my life. To be grateful for what I have in my life instead of lamenting over what I've lost.

So now I'm sitting at my kitchen table with a hot cup of tea, and I feel content. I've still got a lot on my mind, still a bunch of anxieties and worries. But for the moment, they've been pushed into a little box at the back of my mind - to be dealt with at a later hour.

Moments like this don't need interruptions.

Friday, September 17, 2010

Do instead of Dream

I have a tendency to be consumed by my emotions. It seems to always be some sort of extreme. When I'm happy, I sparkle. When I'm angry you'd better watch out. When I'm sad shadows cloud my face. All my strength goes into that one emotion, and that emotion is almost always dependent on something or someone I'm currently fascinated by.

Last night I had an insomniatic epiphany. Instead of focusing on something or someone else, why not put all that energy into myself? All my energy and time could be redirected to something constructive. When I'm unhappy it's because whoever I'm infatuated with doesn't reciprocate those feelings. But with this redirection of thoughts, the person I'll be thinking about *will* care, because that person is me!

And I care about me.

All this newfound energy would be focused on getting to know myself better. To become the person I know I'm capable of being. I don't need to be that person tomorrow, but I need to take the first baby step. That means taking action. Doing instead of dreaming.

The problem is, whenever I’m inspired/motivated like this I try to do too much with no feasible way of doing everything all at once. I overstretch myself, and I expect immediate results. When those results don’t manifest the way I envision, I get impatient, lose interest, or just plain get confused with what to do next.

I lose my focus. And end up doing nothing at all. Of course I have the deluded intention of getting back to it when really, it’s just an excuse to do nothing at all. With this new redirected energy focused on myself, maybe I’ll be able to work through the glamor of inspiration.

Thinking isn't doing. It's great to dream. Dreams make the world go round. But there comes a point where you need to say enough is enough and give yourself a swift kick in the ass. If I want to make my dreams a reality, then I must take action.

Do instead of dream.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Early mornings

I love early mornings. The stillness of the world clears my mind. Cleanses my soul. Loved ones and neighbors are still asleep. Sitting within the quiet, it's as if you are the only person in the world. But there's no loneliness to this isolation. It's a comfortable state of being.

Spilling erratic thoughts into a free write is therapeutic. Enjoying a cup of coffee by yourself is like getting back in touch with a good friend. Insurmountable problems of yesterday are a little more manageable.

I love early mornings. I just hate waking up.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Here we go again...

For some reason, the shifting of seasons almost always brings about a shifting of one's perspective. Questions that have no answers present themselves and just won't leave me alone. You know those questions: who am I? what is my purpose in life? where am I supposed to go from here? when will I become the person I want to be?

Maybe it's because I'm in the middle of reading "The Alchemist" by Paulo Coehlo and have been inspired to search for my own Personal Legend. Maybe it’s because I feel like I’m drifting aimlessly in life. Maybe I'm going through some strange pseudo-existential crisis. Or maybe because autumn is right around the corner - the season where you let go of the old in order to welcome the new.

I’m going to give this blog-writing thing another shot. Not for any other reason than to give myself the impression of doing *something* worthwhile.

Maybe somewhere along the way I'll figure out who I am.